IN PRAISE OF FRIENDSHIP

I have been away on vacation and have not been able to post anything for a while. I am back and ready to continue our conversation. A quick thank you to all you you who check in here regularly. I really appreciate it. If you ever have a comment or a question based on something I have written, please contact me. I would enjoy hearing from you.
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                I have been rereading C.S. Lewis’ book The Four Loves. I highly recommend it. It is an insightful look at the complexity of love. Lewis explores the four Greek words for love. “Agape” is defined as charity or unconditional love. This is the kind of love God demonstrated through Jesus toward us. It is the highest form of love. “Eros” is defined as sexual love. It represents the love between a man and a woman. It is intimate and sensual. “Storge” is defined as affection. This is the kind of love that parents have for their children. Affection is the kind of love that holds communities together. “Phileo” is defined as friendship. This is the kind of love that is born out of shared values and experiences. The four loves are not exclusive or totally separate from one another. They often overlap, support and enhance one another.

                In our world today, we have elevated Eros to the highest level. Very often, when people talk about love, they are referring to Eros. Just below Eros is Storge. We see family love as essential and highly valued. Unfortunately our ideal is in stark contrast to the actual experience of many families. Our desire to elevate Storge has lead to an almost idolizing of children. Agape is seen differently, depending upon your vantage point. From a Christian perspective, we see Agape as the ultimate standard for all love. It represents God’s unconditional love in Christ. It is the goal toward which we strive. For the secular person, Agape is seen as benevolence. It has become caring for the poor and the underprivileged. What most often is missing from our world is Phileo, true friendship. This is especially true between men.

                Lewis calls friendship the least natural of all of the loves. Whereas Eros, Storge, and to an extent Agape are essential for the survival of humanity, Phileo is not. We could liken it to the arts. Art and music are not essential to the survival of humanity. The human race could continue if they didn’t exist. Yet art and music bring vitality and energy to humanity. We can survive without friendship, but if we want to thrive in life we need it.

                Friendship is unique among all of the loves, in part, because of its focus. Eros is focused on the love between a man and a woman. Storge is focused on the love between parents and children. Agape is focused on love for God and humanity in general. In each case, the one who loves is focused on another person. Friendship does not so much focus on the other person, but instead focuses on a shared love of something else. It may be golf or fishing or art or philosophy or theology. It is in sharing a common passion or interest that friendship is born.

                In many ways, friendship is the most elusive of all of the loves. A person who desperately seeks friendship will never find it. Friendship must be based around something. There can be no true friendship where there is no shared passion or interest.

                True friendship is both exclusive and inclusive at the same time. It is exclusive because it is open only to those who share the same passions and interests. Yet it is inclusive of anyone who does share those passions and interests. There is always room at the table for another kindred spirit.

                Friendship enhances our lives by drawing out of us dimensions of our personality that often lay dormant. In a circle of friends, each one draws something different out of the other, and the whole circle benefits. True friendship gives a person permission to explore more deeply who they are. By sharing a common passion, friends create an atmosphere for creative thought and action. Good friends challenge one another to go farther, to test their limits and to push out their self-imposed boundaries. When I was in Seminary I had a circle of friends who enjoyed downhill skiing. I had never really skied before, but I had a desire to learn. It was that circle of friends that encouraged, challenged and prodded me to take the risk to learn to ski. I would not have done it on my own.

                The problem today is that many people, especially men, settle for mere companionship instead of developing a true friendship. Companionship is the foundation and the catalyst for friendship. On the surface companionship looks like friendship, but it stops short of the goal. True friendship evokes an intimacy that makes most men very uncomfortable. A true friend is willing to be vulnerable and open their heart to the other person. A true friend cares about the well-being of the other person and will work toward it. A true friend will stand with the other person, even when it is very costly.

                Many men today are afraid of genuine male friendship. Our society is quick to label male friends as gay. Any sign of affection is interpreted as a sexual relationship. We are poorer for it. Many men today will go through their lives without a genuine friend to lean on. Fear will hold them back.

                I want to raise the call for Christian men to break free from the restrictive confines of “normal” male companionship and begin to strive for genuine, godly friendship. This equally applies to women, but women tend to have an easier time developing friendships than men. I believe that every Christian man should have three male relationships in his life. He needs a Paul, a Timothy and a Barnabas.

                The book of Acts gives us a template for living out godly, male friendship. The Apostle Paul was not afraid to openly express his love for the other people in his life. He modeled for us a rich life of friendship that honored God and enriched his life.

                Every man needs a Paul in their lives. Paul represents an older, more mature man who can invest in a younger man. This person may be seen as a mentor, but needs to also be a friend. This is a person who is willing to share honestly about his own experiences of facing the challenges of life. He can help to guide the path of the younger man. Paul did this for Timothy.

                Every man needs a Timothy in his life. Just as we need someone to invest in our lives, we need to be investing in the life of a younger man. As we face the challenges of life, we accumulate valuable insights that can be passed on about how to live as a godly man.

                Every man needs a Barnabas in his life. Paul and Barnabas were partners in ministry. They were equals, working toward the same goal. They struggled and worked side by side. They shared life together, and with each shared experience they grew closer together.

                Throughout the years I have had the privilege of having all three of these friendships. My life is richer because of it. Before you decide that this is not possible for you, stop and turn toward the friend who will never leave you or forsake you. Ask Christ to open your eyes to the Paul, Timothy and Barnabas in your life. Then ask for the courage to pursue those friendships with all of your heart.

                Although it is not easy, I want to challenge you to move beyond a life filled with acquaintances and seek out those with whom you can develop a genuine friendship.

                Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 (NIV)